I barely slept on the night before my wedding. The plan was to get a full 8 hours, maybe 9. But of course, I didn’t have all the decorations in time and I didn’t end up having time to put the favors together before my wedding eve. So, following the rehearsal dinner, I went to my room alone and put 150 wedding favors together. The plan had been to have my sister sleep over with me in my room, like we did for her wedding eve, but because children are involved now I have to share her. I thought it would be like our nights on Christmas even growing up, but instead I found myself alone in my big hotel room, thousands of thoughts running through my brain about the following day, hastily putting together the magnets and match boxes we bought as wedding favors, wondering if I would be able to rest my mind and my eyes at all. To comfort myself I listened to the latest Home podcast and tried breathing. I had to let go. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen and my year of planning couldn’t change that now.
2am rolled around and I was finally finished with the favors. Fer was sleeping in downtown Cancun with his groomsmen. I sent him a text and forced myself to bed. My alarm was set for 8:30. This is late by most wedding wake-up standards. For my sister’s wedding we were up and at hair appointments by 7:30am. I woke up before my alarm alone in my hotel room. It was 8:15. I checked my Fitbit app which told me I only slept about 4.5 hours. If you know me, you know sleep is extremely necessary for me. Even on days when I only get 6 hours I feel weird and it can mess up my whole day. I was immediately worried that this would affect my day and I would want to crash and burn right around wedding time. But I couldn’t go back to sleep now, my thoughts were racing and nervousness and excitement coursed through my veins. Today was the day I’d been waiting for, not only for a year but for most of my adult life.
I went out of my way to schedule a meditation and yoga session on the morning of my wedding because I know I would need it. I knew the day would be crazy and it would be over in a heartbeat. I wanted to make sure I was spiritually sound and ready to take on the day. Luckily our hotel had a yoga teacher that was available for a private session. I invited all my bridesmaids, only one accepted, my sister.
Around 9:45 we began our private yoga session in the gazebo next to the ocean. The setting was perfect to take it all in and reflect. The waves crashed next to us, the palm trees swayed, and the wind blew against our faces. It was a gentle vinyasa flow and left time for a lot of meditation and reflection. Just as we were finishing up, coming out of shavasana the teacher was talking about being grateful, feeling the energy of the ocean on our skin, and getting ready to embrace the day before us. I can’t remember the exact words she used, but it was something about letting all our emotions go and that’s exactly what I did. I let it go. As the tears streamed down my face, my eyes remained closed and I felt my loving yoga teacher’s arms around me. She hugged me for a good, long moment while I cried. It was a beautiful release.
I didn’t know yoga could be so spiritual until I got sober. I didn’t know you could cry on your yoga mat and in doing so, heal. I never would have guessed I would be sitting on a yoga mat overlooking the ocean in Cancun on the morning of my wedding, releasing my sadness, guilt, shame, expectations, excitement, nervousness, and pain. Honestly, I wasn’t aware I needed to do that.
So I had my dream wedding, and a dream wedding it was. A day full of beauty, friends, family, and love, a whole lot of love. Our wedding guests all told us there was not a dry eye in the house when Fer and I made our vows to each other. My vows included a big thank-you to Fer for being the catalyst for my sobriety almost 4 years ago. Without him, I don’t know if I would be sitting here typing this today. My sister’s maid of honor speech was the first time I have ever heard her talk so honestly and emotionally about me in public. That’s saying a lot because my sister is fiercely private. Our first dance was everything I had been dreaming about for months.
And then it was over in a flash. If you remember, I posted about looking forward to the wedding for a year with countdowns and everything. During the last month I couldn’t wait for it to get here because frankly, I was tired of being stressed and ready to enjoy it and move past the planning process. Now that it’s over I am feeling the post-wedding depression. When I see people who I haven’t seen since before the wedding and they are excited and ask me about it, I can’t help but say that I am sad. I’m sad that it’s over already and it was over so quick! I’m sad I can’t go back and relive it. When I was mentioned this, a friend said, “yes it’s like coming down off a high.” Ding, ding, ding! The most accurate reference. The high of my wedding was real and I’m sure I’ll feel balanced again, but at the moment I am honoring my grief and sadness. I am honoring my disappointment and hurt in some friends and family. I am trying to let the pain wash over me and be confident in what I know is true: I will not feel this way forever.
Unfortunately, I don’t get to relive my wedding day forever, but what I do get forever is to live and grow the partnership I have with the man I love. We get to travel the world together, make babies, and overcome life’s ups and downs side-by-side. And that is the most beautiful high of all.