Over the last year I have questioned everything. I have lost my desire to write. I have lost my clear belief in the goodness of the universe. I have asked myself over and over again, what is it all for? Does it matter? I have lost my patience for bullshit. I have lost a desire to uphold the nicety of everyday life.
Read MoreTensions are high and uncertainty looms. I believe we are all collectively feeling the fear and anxiety that Covid-19 has unexpectedly brought into our lives. We see devastating photos and videos on the news and social media, and we hear scary numbers, and we worry. For those of us who have committed to being alcohol-free or those of you who may have just started your journey, times are tough. I’ve been receiving messages and have seen posts that say with rising anxiety, many people want to, or have thought about, drinking.
Read MoreEvery year is a year of change. We have no choice. We can push and pull and hold on for dear life, but it won’t matter. The Universe always has other plans for us. Try as we might, change happens. It’s impossible for change to be positive all the time, and change itself is a traumatic event - even the good kind. We must grieve for choices we didn’t make, things that didn’t happen, and of course, things that didn’t go our way or the way that we planned.
Read MoreI think the inherent desire to help others has always been inside me. It’s probably why promoting alcohol and Monster energy drink, selling shoes and vacation packages, and being an administrative assistant were such unsatisfying jobs for me. They didn’t fill me up. I was always discontent with those jobs because I felt like something was missing. I felt like I was meant for more, but I never knew what. It’s true that I didn’t consider myself a writer until I got my first online writing gig for a website called Medical News Today, and even then, I was skeptical. I’m not really a writer. I just got hired to do a job and I’m doing it. That’s what I would say to myself. It wasn’t until I got sober that I was thrust into the arena of helping others, and at times I’ve still felt the struggle to find my career path in life.
Read MoreThinking, writing, and talking about my last time drinking has been something that I’ve done quite a bit. But there’s nothing quite like being back in the exact place where it happened. A few weeks ago I traveled back to the place where I consumed alcohol for the very last time, Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I went for one of my best friend’s weddings. When I stepped off the airplane and was hit with the hot, humid air of the caribbean, it all came back to me.
Read MoreDrinking for me was always associated with going out, with partying. Since I attended my first party, I knew being at a party was when I was most in my element. These started out as small house parties in high school at empty houses with loud music and alcohol, given to us by older friends or stolen from parents. After I went off to college and found a fake ID, parties got even more exciting. I quickly learned you could even have a party preference! My preference was going to places that had cheap shots and good music to dance to, plus a crowd of strangers to flirt with. My nights would start with raiding my closet for the perfect outfit.
Read MoreAt this time last year I was announcing something pretty cool on this day. It was my book deal. A dream that I had, realized, and then as you all know, it was quickly dropped from my reach months later. This experience has overshadowed the last year of my life. First, it made the last year seem exciting, fulfilling and diligent, and then after the deal was lost, I felt a great sadness and grief, followed by a feeling of being stuck.
Read MoreWomen are drinking more and are feeling the effects of their drinking sooner. We are also targeted more than men. The mommy wine culture and glamorization of alcohol in the media are proof of that. Everywhere we turn there are tampon-shaped flasks to sneak alcohol into public places, shower wine glass holders, and faux-feminist booze like Jane Walker. Spare me. When I was still drinking Natty Light and good old Vladimir vodka in the plastic handle container were good enough for me. Old me probably would have loved that Big Alcohol is now playing to my feminist agenda.
Read MoreA week ago today was International Women’s Day and just like many women across the world I made a social media post about feeling grateful and empowered to be surrounded by so many strong women in my life. And it’s true I am grateful. I would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for the constant inspiration and support of so many women. Most of the time I also feel strong. Normally I feel like one of those strong women who is inspiring and empowering others, but lately, I haven’t.
Read MoreLast year I provided a holiday gift guide for the people in your life who are sober. This year I wanted to get a list together of organizations who need your help and your money. When we reach the end of year it’s a good time to think about what organizations’ missions mean a lot to us and how we can give back to their causes. There’s nothing simpler than sending a $5 or $10 donation that takes no longer than 30 seconds. Here is a short list of organizations that are doing great things. If you’re looking to send a holiday gift, consider a donation to these groups.
Read MoreA mother’s love. They say there’s nothing like it and they’re right. A mother has a unique role when it comes to having a child with a substance use disorder. For my mother it was something she was used to dealing with, but not with a child. My mother has always been a caretaker. Of her siblings, her husband, her father, then her mom, and of course my sister and I. When I was in high school my mother and I fought a lot. We butted heads about pretty much everything. She didn’t like that I wanted to stay out late, drive my car around past 11:30pm (the curfew for underage drivers in Pennsylvania), fraternize with new groups of boys every other week, and be a generally rebellious teen.
Read MoreIn a phone call on Friday I was asked to, “Please provide an example of a time in your life when things did not go as planned and how you handled it.” I laughed and said, “Well that’s my entire life. Nothing in my life has ever gone as planned.” And it’s true. My life has always been that way. It has been incredibly hard not to think of the way my life has gone as a series of bad luck. I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been, things I’ve been through, or setbacks I’ve experienced that have led me to think, am I even on the right path?
Read MoreAs soon as I think I’ve got it all figured out, the universe assures me that I in fact, do not. Year 32 has been a gut punch, a year of highs that come with anxiety, and inexplicable lows that seemingly came out of nowhere. A year where I felt away from myself and close to myself at the same time. This morning on my 33rd birthday, I woke up at 6:20am and watched the sun rise. There is something about the peace and stillness of the morning that only belongs to me, that I love, even though waking up early is difficult for me. I wanted to see the sun rise because I wanted physical proof. I wanted proof that I am here, that I am alive, that this life I’m living is real. Without fail when I see the sun rise, the trees sway in the wind, or the ocean beat against the shore I feel like everything is going to be ok, that I am supported by the universe.
Read MoreDo you ever spend your life thinking of yourself as one way, only to find out you’re actually the opposite? I feel like we have these revelations often in sobriety. For example, I spent years of my life truly believing my man-picker was broken. All of my romantic relationships were toxic, starting from the young age of 16. Each one was filled with vitriol, yelling, arguments, and explosive break-ups and incredible make-up sex. It wasn’t until my first go-round through the 12 steps that I came to the stark realization that I, in fact, was the toxic one.
Read MoreThis year I’m writing “got done,” lists in addition to the regular “to-do,” lists and on those lists, I’m writing down stuff I get done every day. It’s been a powerful reminder that I am getting a lot done and I’m getting a lot more done than I thought I was. Additionally, my memory can be crappy when I try and remember what and when I’ve done stuff so I love having these lists to look back on. I also want to keep track of how many books I read this year and which ones. This led me to create a list of my favorite books from 2017. I didn’t make a list last year of everything I read, but I do remember a selection of books that were my favorites. I wanted to share these with you and I plan on a much more comprehensive list for 2018
Read MoreWhen I got sober I lived in a foreign country where being sober was basically unheard of. I didn’t know what any of this crap meant - “pink cloud,” “90 in 90,” “sponsor,” “people, places, things.” I was truly on my own from the get-go with my sobriety. I paved my own way and I never considered that some people get sober and stay in a sober bubble, sometimes forever. I was thrown into the fire in the first week of my sobriety. I attended a birthday dinner for my mother-in-law and there were bottles of wine. My family indulged while I could not. It felt horrible. I felt sad, angry, and annoyed. I felt like the odd man out. Shortly after that experience, I attended another birthday party for a friend which took place on a boat in the Caribbean Sea. On this trip, I was accompanied by a pregnant friend who also was not drinking, but I still felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable and I felt like a liar for telling people I wasn’t drinking because I was running a 5K in the morning (true, but not all the way true).
Read MoreOn May 7, 2013 I was on a plane flying back to Cancun where I lived at the time, from Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. Minutes before I had made a heartbreaking decision for myself. I decided that I would not be drinking again, until further notice. My mom had listened to me crying in the Punta Cana airport, full of distress and questioning my worth as a person. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was so sick of not being able to control my drinking. I was so sick of feeling like crap afterward. I was sick of feeling paranoid that everyone was mad at me for something I did or said while wasted. I was sick of ruining relationship after relationship. I wanted these feelings to leave me and I knew in order to do that I had to cut alcohol out of my life.
Read MoreDuring the holidays alcohol is often given as a gift without a second thought. It can be hurtful and disappointing for those of us in recovery. I curated a short list of gifts I know I would personally love to receive as a woman in recovery, and I’m sure others in recovery would as well.
Read MoreThe last night I drank I was on a girls trip at a beautiful all-inclusive resort in sunny Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. It was my first time in the country and what a memorable time it would be. Now it’s officially the place I had my last sip of alcohol. That weekend in May of 2013 is something I’ve gone over in my head about a million and one times now.
Read MoreA few weeks ago during one of our Bloom Club classes we discussed sobriety as a lifestyle. For me, I believe this component is essential for successful sobriety. Sobriety isn’t something you can take on and off like a jacket. It’s not something you can keep hidden away as a secret that you only take out in church basements to discuss amongst like-minded people. It must be something that you believe in with your whole heart. It must be something that you’re proud of and that you put first. Otherwise it won’t work. Or it might work, but you may eventually feel like you are leading a double life, that sobriety is a chore, or something to be ashamed of.
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