Strong Woman?

A week ago today was International Women’s Day and just like many women across the world I made a social media post about feeling grateful and empowered to be surrounded by so many strong women in my life. And it’s true I am grateful. I would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for the constant inspiration and support of so many women. Most of the time I also feel strong. Normally I feel like one of those strong women who is inspiring and empowering others, but lately, I haven’t.

I haven’t felt like a strong woman, even though I am so often told that what I write, say, and do is proof of my strength. The truth is I have felt pretty paralyzed in my life since late last year. I feel like I have a lack of motivation, a lack of hope, and in turn, a lack of strength. I have felt disconnected in several ways, one of which is my writing. I haven’t written many personal blogs, only the ones I’ve been paid to write for freelance work. Every time I think of a blog topic, it’s a fleeting thought that doesn’t hold much weight. I end up getting distracted by other work or what I believe to be more pertinent tasks and I never end up writing. I fail to see how my writing would to worth the time or help anyone, even myself, and then I don’t do it. I find other priorities to put higher up on my list. The same goes for my book-writing. I’m ashamed to say I haven’t written one word of my book in 4 months. It’s honestly been too heartbreaking and I can’t.

I’ve also applied to a few jobs, quit a few, started my own LLC, and began recovery coaching one-on-one. I am in transition and it’s been pretty overwhelming to say the least. Last year at this time I felt like I had my niche figured out. I had my book deal, I was working part time jobs while I wrote and I would go on from there, carving a career for myself, or so I thought. It all came crashing down with my book deal. The joy of writing went with it. The passion to find my next career move, to build something for myself, and to shoot for the stars kind of went… poof. This coupled with friends and family around me becoming successful in their careers, growing, moving forward, making money, and getting closer to their dreams, has me feeling left behind, ashamed, unmotivated, and lost.

There is stigma attached to being a 33-year-old woman who isn’t quite sure what her career is exactly going to be. Last year I felt like I was really going places. Even after being laid off in 2017. I had a book deal, writing opportunities and a lot of ideas about how to move forward and do more for myself, my community, and people in recovery. Right now even though I have started recovery coaching (and I do love it), I still feel as if I am on autopilot. I’m not sure how else to describe it besides to say I am disillusioned with myself, which is preventing me from jumping into the unknown and finishing my book, trying to find an agent, developing coaching programs of my own, etc and so forth, to make my career and my life my own again.

Sobriety feels like an afterthought, although like I posted on Instagram on my 70-month anniversary, it is still the foundation which guides me and keeps me going. But I don’t feel as connected to my recovery as I have been in the past. Working with my coaching clients has really helped me feel reconnected and I hope that continues.

This isn’t intended to be a “poor Kelly,” post, but more of me calling myself out on own bullshit and admitting that yes, I am in a big fat funk. This shouldn’t be so hard to share considering I am used to sharing all of myself with all of you during every step of my life.

I am doing all the things. Meditating, kundalini, crossfitting (although it’s the Open and this is frustrating AF too), writing gratitude lists, sleeping a lot, honoring my feels, drinking lots of coffee and sparkling water and talking to others in recovery. I even have a business coach to help me with my recovery coaching and just started with a nutrition coach to help me take better care of my body. Every mentor I have has talked about the importance of having a coach of your own when you are one.

Just a reminder that even the women we consider to be strong, sometimes don’t feel strong themselves. We all go through periods where we feel defeated, lack motivation and hope, and just feel like even our best isn’t good enough. I am in that stuck-feeling place right now. If you are too, you should know that you’re not alone. We’re in this together and we won’t be here forever. Brighter days are always ahead and believing this to be true, is how we find them.