Over the last year I have questioned everything. I have lost my desire to write. I have lost my clear belief in the goodness of the universe. I have asked myself over and over again, what is it all for? Does it matter? I have lost my patience for bullshit. I have lost a desire to uphold the nicety of everyday life.
Read MoreIs there anything that makes you analyze the concept of time more than death?
Read MoreIt’s true that grief is a part of our everyday lives. We experience grief all the time. Whether it’s from making decisions, seasons of changes with relationships and careers, quitting a behavior like drinking, or moving from one phase of life to another. The truth is when we move on and leave something behind or steer into a new direction, there is always grief. We feel grief for what could have been, what we didn’t choose, and the life we won’t have because of the decisions we make.
Read MoreAfter what seemed like being pregnant forever, I gave birth to my rainbow baby on January 18, 2021. While everyone had to live through the hell that was 2020, I uniquely lived through the pandemic, my first viable pregnancy, the death of my father, a presidential election, and several other heartbreaking moments. I did this all while carrying a baby, committing to keeping him safe, dodging the pandemic, and constantly wondering if he would come into this world in a safe and healthy way for both of us.
Read MoreFour weeks ago, the day after my mom’s 72nd birthday, on a regular Tuesday in November, my dad unexpectedly passed away in his house here in Southwest Florida. As I type these words, it still doesn’t feel real. It still feels like a story I am telling. Like an act I am participating in. Like someone else’s life I am living. I feel like I’m toggling between reality and a dream.
Read MoreRemember in March when we were all like, staying home? I can do this! I am MADE for this! I’ve wanted nothing more! Or at least that was my attitude. I do love being home. I love my little house and my little family. I love being in my pj’s and snuggling with my cats. I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert. I need my “me,” time. So when Covid came to town, they said “stay home,” and I said, “say no more!”
Read MoreI believe as humans our desire to be part of a group, and well-liked by others, is as inherent as breathing. We are social creatures. We crave finding our people. We want to be seen, heard, and believed, and most of all, we desire to be likable. Women, especially. As women we are taught to be quiet, to stay small, not to raise our voices, not to cry, not to make a scene, not to ruffle any feathers, to not be anything or say anything that men don’t like. Our jobs are clear - be kind, tend to others, don’t cause conflict, and be pretty - but not too pretty because then you’re probably a slut.
Read MoreNothing got me more pumped for summer than knowing I’d be spending a week of it down the shore. If you don’t know the phrase “down the shore,” than you probably aren’t from Philadelphia or the tri-state area. Anyone from the suburbs of Philly like me, knows that every summer starting on Memorial Day weekend, everyone heads to the jersey shore. The New Jersey coastline includes a line of shore towns starting with Atlantic City and working its way South all way down to Cape May. Families normally rent a house for a week or two during the summer at their favorite shore town and spend it lying on the sandy beaches, frolicking in the bitter cold Atlantic Ocean, and walking the boardwalk, riding bikes, and most likely, drinking.
Read MoreThinking, writing, and talking about my last time drinking has been something that I’ve done quite a bit. But there’s nothing quite like being back in the exact place where it happened. A few weeks ago I traveled back to the place where I consumed alcohol for the very last time, Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I went for one of my best friend’s weddings. When I stepped off the airplane and was hit with the hot, humid air of the caribbean, it all came back to me.
Read MoreDrinking for me was always associated with going out, with partying. Since I attended my first party, I knew being at a party was when I was most in my element. These started out as small house parties in high school at empty houses with loud music and alcohol, given to us by older friends or stolen from parents. After I went off to college and found a fake ID, parties got even more exciting. I quickly learned you could even have a party preference! My preference was going to places that had cheap shots and good music to dance to, plus a crowd of strangers to flirt with. My nights would start with raiding my closet for the perfect outfit.
Read MoreAt this time last year I was announcing something pretty cool on this day. It was my book deal. A dream that I had, realized, and then as you all know, it was quickly dropped from my reach months later. This experience has overshadowed the last year of my life. First, it made the last year seem exciting, fulfilling and diligent, and then after the deal was lost, I felt a great sadness and grief, followed by a feeling of being stuck.
Read MoreWomen are drinking more and are feeling the effects of their drinking sooner. We are also targeted more than men. The mommy wine culture and glamorization of alcohol in the media are proof of that. Everywhere we turn there are tampon-shaped flasks to sneak alcohol into public places, shower wine glass holders, and faux-feminist booze like Jane Walker. Spare me. When I was still drinking Natty Light and good old Vladimir vodka in the plastic handle container were good enough for me. Old me probably would have loved that Big Alcohol is now playing to my feminist agenda.
Read MoreA week ago today was International Women’s Day and just like many women across the world I made a social media post about feeling grateful and empowered to be surrounded by so many strong women in my life. And it’s true I am grateful. I would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for the constant inspiration and support of so many women. Most of the time I also feel strong. Normally I feel like one of those strong women who is inspiring and empowering others, but lately, I haven’t.
Read MoreThree hundred and sixty-five days of this life have come and gone again and just like all the other years, this one felt like it went at the speed of light. 2018 felt like it was filled with a lot of pain, but I know it also had some fun and some accomplishments. And although I shed a lot of tears, it wasn’t all bad. I try really hard not to let the pain of a year overshadow the whole thing and that’s why I wanted to make a list of things I’m proud of this year.
Read MoreIn a phone call on Friday I was asked to, “Please provide an example of a time in your life when things did not go as planned and how you handled it.” I laughed and said, “Well that’s my entire life. Nothing in my life has ever gone as planned.” And it’s true. My life has always been that way. It has been incredibly hard not to think of the way my life has gone as a series of bad luck. I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been, things I’ve been through, or setbacks I’ve experienced that have led me to think, am I even on the right path?
Read MoreAs soon as I think I’ve got it all figured out, the universe assures me that I in fact, do not. Year 32 has been a gut punch, a year of highs that come with anxiety, and inexplicable lows that seemingly came out of nowhere. A year where I felt away from myself and close to myself at the same time. This morning on my 33rd birthday, I woke up at 6:20am and watched the sun rise. There is something about the peace and stillness of the morning that only belongs to me, that I love, even though waking up early is difficult for me. I wanted to see the sun rise because I wanted physical proof. I wanted proof that I am here, that I am alive, that this life I’m living is real. Without fail when I see the sun rise, the trees sway in the wind, or the ocean beat against the shore I feel like everything is going to be ok, that I am supported by the universe.
Read MoreIt was just like any other weekend of my crazy 20-something life. Sun, sand, and a plethora of drinks in my hand. Only this time instead of staying up for days at a time and snorting cocaine off my house key in the bathroom, I was with my childhood best friends in the Dominican Republic. I had an incredible amount of anxiety before going on this trip and in a way, I feel like my body and soul already knew, and were preparing me for it. I was worried about doing the right thing and playing the part for everybody.
Read MoreSobriety is only for drunks, junkies, and AA-goers. Sobriety is only for people who can’t control their alcohol intake and have no other choice but to quit. Those are the ideas I subscribed to my whole life. I think they are ideas that much of society still subscribes to. Other ideas society perpetuates? If you can’t drink alcohol something is wrong with you. Being called an alcoholic is worse than being called a criminal (or equal to?). Sobriety is lame. Sobriety is dumb. Sobriety is unobtainable. Sobriety is not for me.
Read MoreWhen I got sober I lived in a foreign country where being sober was basically unheard of. I didn’t know what any of this crap meant - “pink cloud,” “90 in 90,” “sponsor,” “people, places, things.” I was truly on my own from the get-go with my sobriety. I paved my own way and I never considered that some people get sober and stay in a sober bubble, sometimes forever. I was thrown into the fire in the first week of my sobriety. I attended a birthday dinner for my mother-in-law and there were bottles of wine. My family indulged while I could not. It felt horrible. I felt sad, angry, and annoyed. I felt like the odd man out. Shortly after that experience, I attended another birthday party for a friend which took place on a boat in the Caribbean Sea. On this trip, I was accompanied by a pregnant friend who also was not drinking, but I still felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable and I felt like a liar for telling people I wasn’t drinking because I was running a 5K in the morning (true, but not all the way true).
Read More2017 was a year of high highs and low lows for me. As with all of my years in life, it didn’t go as planned. I had to readjust my sails. I had to adapt. I had to take in all of the feelings and do my best to navigate through them, even in the roughest of seas. I’ve learned many lessons this year, some hard, some wonderful, and some confusing, and others eye-opening. But there’s one lesson in particular that stood out to me. It’s one that is so important for those of us in recovery and also for the general public to understand.
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