The Worst Part About Grief is the Helplessness

The worst part about grief is the helplessness. No matter what you do, where you go, or how you commemorate the loss, you still feel helpless at the end of the day. And it’s not the kind of helplessness you can ask for help with. It’s the kind that, even when you’re doing the things, using the tools, getting the sleep, and drinking the water, your heart still feels heavy. Your loss is still overwhelming and your life is still different.

No matter what happens or how you cope, unfortunately, the reality is still real. Your person is gone and you’re tasked with having to live without them. Life goes on and you must survive. Along with your helplessness, you’ll also feel guilt. Guilt for feeling grief during your child’s art show or soccer game, guilt for crying on random days at random times, and guilt for feeling like you’re never doing enough to celebrate the life of your loved one. You’ll also feel guilt for feeling joy because how can you feel joy when your person is gone?

Even though you’ve gone through a traumatic loss, you still need to eat, work, and shower. You also need to work out, sleep, feed your kids, have date nights, and celebrate holidays, despite the whole time thinking your person should be here, doing some of those things with you. You’ll read books, do talk therapy, find support with friends and attend recovery gatherings, but the tears will still get caught in your throat because your person is still gone, and that makes you feel helpless.

As if asking for help isn't hard enough already, finding someone you can be real with about how badly your heart hurts, year after year over the same loss, is even more difficult. Feelings of being a burden creep in. You don’t want to be a “debbie downer,” or maybe you feel like you should be over it already. 

Your closest family members grieve differently than you, so even though you thought at least you’ll all be in this grief together, it’s not like that at all. They don’t check on you and they don’t understand why after two and a half years you’re still upset. They choose not to commemorate birthdays and death anniversaries. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because denial is the easiest coping skill for them. Maybe because feeling the overwhelming grief is too painful for them. Or maybe, they can’t bear the helplessness.

Logic tells me grief is a journey and healing is not linear. Logically I know I’m doing the right thing by feeling my feelings and being open about the pain. I’m doing the right thing by taking my medication, working out, talking to trusted friends, and engaging in events that commemorate the life of my person. But the pain can still overwhelm me, and that’s when I feel out of control and helpless.

That’s when I feel like no matter what, this grief feels like a weight bringing down my soul.

If you’re like me, possibly you’re looking for what can be done? How can you feel right again? What books can you read, courses can you take, or meditations you can do to get out of this funk?

When will you feel like you again?

I don’t know. I wish I could answer this question for you and for us.

We grievers must stick together, otherwise we’ll be feeling like something might be wrong with us as we continue to feel and grieve.

The bad news is we’ll likely be grieving for the rest of our lives and I don’t know when or if it might feel different or less intense for you.

The good news is you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you and you are not broken. A reminder that we live in a world where grieving is taboo. You might receive messages like it’s not ok cry or to grieve or that your grief has a timeline. It’s important to remember that this is all absurdity. 

We are humans wired for connection and with hormones and brain receptors meant to feel. Don’t let a cultural norm make you feel ‘other’ or like what you’re experiencing is wrong.

You and your grief belong here.