I have now attended 4 weddings as a sober señorita. Before the first one I felt like it would be this big milestone. I felt like I had to inform everyone before I went. "Just so you guys know I will NOT be binge drinking & getting shitfaced at _____'s wedding like I normally do." Although I guess it made more sense for my first sober wedding that I declare that because it was only after a month of sobriety for me.
During that first sober wedding I remember feeling lots of anxiety. It was still in the days where I kind of felt like I was missing out on something. Looking at all of my friends getting drunk and having fun - It was hard. Being sober was something I felt like I had to do and when it was over I breathed a sigh of relief, I did it - I attended my first wedding stone cold sober.
After that, it became normal. It wasn't a chore. Just because weddings are a beautiful, special occasion doesn't mean I have to drink. In fact, I don't want to drink and now I don't have the feeling that I am missing out, because I'm not. Dancing is just as fun sober as it is drunk, trust me!
During the first two weddings I attended sober, the thought always crossed my mind, what will it be like on my wedding day? At first I would ponder if I would be ready to take a drink by then. That was back when I felt like maybe I would want to drink at my wedding. Well now I know I won't drink on my wedding day whenever it comes and that alcohol will be the last thing I'll be thinking about on my wedding day.
All this wedding talk came to mind because my sister will be getting married this year in just 4 short months. I am lucky enough to be her maid of honor and have been planning her bridal shower, bachelorette party, and writing a speech for her special day.
If you asked me a year ago how I felt about her wedding, my answer would have been: should I toast with champagne during my speech or not? Looking back I feel like that is A. a really selfish answer and B. Not what my first thought about a wedding should be! It just goes to show how centered my thoughts used to be around alcohol.
The best part about being more aware and present is that I can plan all these special events for my sister and not ever think twice about the drinking. Yes, there will be alcohol at these events, but no I won't be drinking. It's just how life is for me now and I like this life.
I will get to remember and savor every moment of these amazing times. I will sleep easy knowing I will know exactly what is going to happen. There will be no shame, no guilt, no trying to remember what the heck happened the night before. I am no longer anxious thinking about the drinking situation on my own future wedding day.
The thing I am most concerned about right now is keeping my cool during the MOH speech at my sister's wedding. I loathe public speaking and I will most likely begin sobbing after the first 5 words. I will not have the crutch of alcohol there to help.
I am FINALLY coming into my own. I have an identity without alcohol, without being the party girl. It feels like the first day of high school all over again - scary, weird, and a bit awkward. I am still navigating and discovering. I am discovering ME.... and it feels damn good!