What I feared most about getting sober was the stigma that came with quitting drinking. I just couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol, owning it, and truly being proud of who I was without drinking. I was terrified people would judge me. I was terrified people would call me an “alcoholic,” (a fate worse than death), that they’d think I was some worthless lowlife with no future who deserved pity and prayers, instead of treating me as their peer.

The definition of fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. This is not something new. For many of us we can probably remember the very first time we felt fear as children. For me, it was not knowing the answer to a math problem in first grade, and seeing a person dressed up as a gorilla at a show, not knowing if it was real or fake. As we age, our fears change and the way we experience fear changes as well.

Despite all of this, 2019 had a lot of highs and some lows. I’ll start out by saying that I only achieved 2 out of the 5 goals I set for myself on January 1, 2019. But those goals don’t really reflect the changes my life has been through this year and that’s ok. I guess that’s what upsets me about goals sometimes. They don’t account for the universe having other plans. They don’t account for accidents and mishaps and hardships and all the healing that comes with those things.

Miscarriage. Like my friend Irina says, it’s a weird word and concept. Something we never think will happen to us, even when we get pregnant. Even though the statistics say otherwise. Between 10 and 15 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and this doesn’t account for the others that may occur for women who aren’t aware they’re pregnant. 

When I got sober I felt like everything was a transformative experience. Swimming in the pool, watching flowers bloom in the summer rain, spending time with my loved ones, running outside, my first wedding sober, my first sober travel experience, my first sober everything. It all felt new and raw and real, and pretty amazing. 

I’ve met some interesting people in my life. Some of the most interesting are those people who say they don’t get hangovers. It’s still kind of impossible for me to wrap my mind around this concept. I am still doubtful. Really? You drink all night long and don’t feel hungover at all the next day? “I just don’t get hangovers,” they’d say. Insert *mind blow* emoji here. How is that even a thing? I’d say to myself.